Secure attachment is hard fought for, long worked towards, and not easily won.
A child with an insecure attachment won’t believe they are safe with you—that you’ll keep showing up, that you are trustworthy—because of what you say. They will come to believe it, because of what you do—over & over & over again.
So much of attachment parenting is repetition, proving to our children’s brains & bodies & beliefs that there is a new path—one of connection, stability, safety, trust.
Attachment is built in moments—when we:
– Meet their basic needs with reliability & structure & rhythm. And as often as possible, be the only one to meet these needs. (You dole out all the food & drinks. Bedtime, same time every time. Predictable patterns & people.)
– Give as many “yeses” as you can—even to silly, trite, or annoying requests. (Sure, you can have a bandaid, even though you’re barely hurt & not at all bleeding. Yes, I’ll answer this question I’ve answered dozens of times already.)
– Don’t take connection for granted—prioritize eye contact, physical connection, back & forths, inside jokes, secret handshakes, tickles…you get the drill. (Think “micro connections.” Stop yourself in your tracks, get down on their level, and give just a few moments of concentrated connection. A few seconds makes all the difference & might not happen without you pausing & pursuing.)
– Build reliable rhythms of connection throughout the day. Teach their brains & bodies to anticipate & expect when connection is coming. (After school snack, making dinner together, cuddling for a show, pre-bed board game. Same time, same place, same you, same them.)
Attachment is worth working towards, connection is worth fighting for, because our kids are worth it.
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